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| Thomas Crooks |
Thomas Crooks was just an ordinary guy until he listened to his overtaxed brain.
Brain: Do you know you can be famous?
Crooks: How?
Brain: By attempting the infamous!
So, Crooks picked his father’s AR-15-style semiautomatic rifle. He listened to his confused brain again and headed to a rally nearby. Minutes later, he did a crooked thing by firing at Donald Trump!
Crooks wasn't a known professional crook. But he obviously had a enough crooked mind to store explosives in his car and home.
Yes, the Trump shooter was one man. But his name, “Crooks,” gave the impression of a multiple negative character. His crooked act and plans probably justified the addition of letter “s” to a his name, making him one but many crooks!
Thomas Crooks was probably so crooked that he couldn't think straight. But thank God he couldn't shoot straight, either. Otherwise, the world would have missed a daring, straight-talking suspected tax dodger called Trump.
But wait! Did you know that Thomas Crooks is a Nigerian? A typical one! Calm down and look out the window.
Here it is. In Nigeria, Crooks isn’t just one man; he’s a legion, firing metaphorical bullets at us, and nipping our ears in every aspect of life.
Yes, view the political landscape, for a moment. Thomas Crooks dons both agbadas and suits. With bright-coloured Snickers! He’s the politician who promises you a bridge where there’s no river.
Election season witnesses his wide grin, sweet tongue and a few confusing, multi-designed five hundred naira notes. After the election, the pocket widens for millions compacted into a few dollar notes. This time, the crooked Crooks nips your ears with a “life bullet” but siphons funds meant for public projects.
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| In Nigeria, Crooks appears in multiple characters |
Each bullet the Nigerian Crooks fires is a promise broken, a budget misappropriated. A misfired promise! Like Trump, you can almost hear the “phew phew” as he tries to shoot down your hope for a better tomorrow with every empty pledge.
Oh, c’mon! Crooks is a smart bureaucrat in Nigeria. In any government office, he’s there, garbed in various forms. He’s the office assistant, who smiles fakishly in expectation for a tip. The clerk in a wrinkled tie, demanding a “processing fee” for documents that should be free. Or, be ready for the treacherous “Come back tomorrow,” “We can’t find your file,” and the infamous “Oga is not around.”
Crooks is the guy who insists on a “token” for your file to crawl from one dusty shelf to another. Each time you dig into your wallet, you’re nipped by the bullet of bureaucracy. Crooks here is a sharpshooter, targeting your patience, pocket and sanity!
In universities, Professor Crooks turns education into extortion. Need a good grade? Pay up. Want to defend your thesis? There’s a “toilet fee” for that, and it’s not in the syllabus.
Hey you! Duck like Trump but note: each financial demand is a shot fired at your academic aspirations. Students, already burdened with other challenges, still have to dodge the financial bullets of their educational journey. Who made Thomas Crooks a marksman in our academia?
Ok. Are you going to the market? Watch out for Crooks. He’s the one selling a basket of tomatoes at twice the usual price. His excuses include Tinubu’s inflation and fuel price hike. The fuel subsidy removal?!
Well, don't be fooled. Every exaggerated price and bogus explanation is a bullet aimed at your grocery budget. Alas, you leave the market with light bags and a lighter wallet, having been nipped repeatedly by the economic sharpshooter.
On your way home, you need a taxi or bus. But you never suspected Crooks is the driver. And, oh! He’s the conductor who changes the fare halfway through the journey. Watch him blame fuel prices, the sudden appearance of traffic jams or invisible toll gates.
Just be wise. Each fare hike is a bullet to your commuting comfort. Learn quickly to carry exact change and a drum of resilience. You’ll need them. Be aware, every ride with Crooks is a financial ambush.
In the corporate world, Thomas Crooks is your colleague, manager, or even CEO. Then, takes credit for your hard work. He promises promotions that never materialize. Be calm but note: each broken promise and stolen idea is a bullet to your career growth. Thomas Crooks in our offices is a sniper. His bullets are stealthy but devastating.
Even in healthcare, Thomas Crooks thrives. He’s the doctor who prescribes unnecessary tests, the pharmacist who overcharges for medicine. Each inflated bill and unnecessary procedure is a bullet to your health and savings. Patients navigate hospitals like war zones, dodging the financial bullets of Thomas Crooks disguised in white coats.
Thomas Crooks is everywhere in Nigeria. Yet, we soldier on. We’ve learnt to wear humor and resilience as our metaphorical bulletproof vests. Like Trump, we somehow weave and dodge every shot fired by Crooks. Yeah, if life teaches us anything in Nigeria, it’s that while Thomas Crooks might shoot our ears, he can never break our spirit!
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